One Year Anniversary....A Year in Rewind.

Today is my one year Anniversary. I left New Braunfels, my husband and my life a year ago today. It is amazing to me how fast the year has gone by and how much has happened in just 12 months. I never thought I would be where I am today, single, self sufficient, happy, secure. I wish I could take all the credit, say I did it all on my own but, I know that I would not be where I am today if it weren't for the amazing people that I am surrounded by in my life. To you all, I want to say thank you. So here it is, the past year with you all, the good the bad, the happy and the sad, from the begining to the end....in REWIND.
My Dear Friends Bobby and Eli: You are the most amazing people! Thank you for being our New Braunfels family! For looking past the chaos that it brought into your lives and loving us through it all. Eli, when I was too shocked and overwhelmed your level headiness got me through it which was always followed by your witty sense of humor. Holidays spent with your familiy, Presleys birthday when there was nothing I could do for him, Beanies First Communion, packing us down with anything that would help us out, living with you for weeks at a time, you never hesitated to do ALL you could for us. I will never forget your parting words a year ago"You've got your golden ticket! Thank God for that!" Bobby, you put up with an "extra wife" on and off for a while! Thank you for being so good to us and always being ready to help me, or escort me, when I needed it. And for letting me blow off a little steam in the front yard from time to time!! We love you both and your darling girls so much!

Clint: You have been so much more to me than I could have ever asked for. Your advice, your wisdom, our hour long conversations about randomness...You were always there for me. Even when things were really hard, really messy, most people would have walked away, and I prepared myself to lose you, your stayed by my side. When I was feeling sorry for myself and needed a kick in the butt, you gave it to me. When I was down and needed compassion, you were encouraging. Having you and Ryder burst through our door makes me so very happy! Thank you for a friendship that beat the odds, days at Discovery Green, thank you for dinners together, and days of complete chaos and children! You have always been that person that calls at the right time with the right words no matter what. I have so much respect for you and I thank God that you are in my life. I love you my friend.

MY NB Friends: Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for talking care of my children when they are on your side of Texas! Bess and Jess, you will always be two of my favorite girls! Thank you for being the best friends I could have asked for when I was there. I miss you so much! Bess, thank you for seeing my side of things and standing up for me even when it broke your heart, when it put you in a bad position, I know it wasn't easy. I haven't forgotten that and I never will. Jess thank you for friendship and for saving me that night with your quick wit and lending me "the device" that got me home! I love you all!!

Nicole: You are my rock. I never have to speak the words and you already know what I'm thinking, what I've done, what I've been through. Thank you for letting me sulk for a week and then forcing me to pull it together, for reminding me that showers and sunlight are a good thing and NOT sending the search party out when you thought I had gone mad and ran screaming into the woods!! Thank you for forcing me to fill out paperwork that I really didn't want to fill out. Walking me through the process when I was too overwhelmed or brain dead to do it myself. And last but definitely not least, thank you for every night, for six months, joining me on the back deck with a glass of wine and over analyzing relationships, families, children, work, politics and anything else that might come to mind. You are my person. My conscience. You know me better than I know myself at times. I love you, love you, love you.

Dad: We have been through so many transitions together. We somehow end up living together after each one. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Thank you for your "matter a fact" ways, not letting me slack off and pushing me to do what I needed to do. Thank you for the loft play room! Thank you for soup! Thank you for that ridiculous pool you made no complaints about having! Thank you for the occasional turning of the head to let me sleep in and filling bowls with Lucky Charms. Thank you for, chores, the garden, and thank you for the fishing trips and teaching us how to fillet catfish. Most of all thank you for being the example that the kids needed to see of a Father, Husband, Man, Grown Up, Haman Being. They love you, and respect you, you are their idol. I love you Daddy!

Kristen and Jason: Jason, thank you for being the best brother in law that anyone could ask for! I am thankful for days spent at you house with you family, your WHOLE FAMILY, that has become my family as well! Thank you for making uncle more than just a title, for truly loving my kids. Kristen, thank you for your friendship. You remind me so much of Dad. I know that you both were hurting for me and worried for me and the kids and that you had been for a long time. Thank you for all that you do for them. The sweet little gifts you get them, every holiday Aunty Kristen WILL HAVE a goody bag ready for you, and it will be in the cutest package filled with the best surprises!! The phones calls that begin with "Hey, I'm in the store what size ____ does ______ wear?" You are so thoughtful! Thank you for not feeling sorry for me, for knowing that I am doing good and for being someone I can vent to and get a very "to the point" opinion, I love that about you!!! Thank you for seeing my messiness and flaws and knowing that its ok and still valuing my opinion and my outlook on life. I love you and I am so glad that we are sisters!

Megan: There are no amount of words or time to tell you how much you mean to me. I am so happy to have you back in my life. The day you walked back into my life was like sunlight in my heart. It was the beginning of knowing that all was right in the world, or that it soon would be. Thank you for understanding that life is not simple. Thank you for laughter. Thank you for planking!! Thank you for being so sweet and picking me up little gifts that you are bursting to give me even if its a week early! Thank you for days spent catching crabs, singing in the car with the windows down, watching movies, hanging out on the back deck, silly conversations, inside jokes, and being such an amazing Aunty Meg and dear sister! I love you, you help to heal my heart every day.

Kathy and Rick: Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Thank you for a month of no complaints, no fights, no stress, while we were living with you guys!! I could not have asked or expected that June would have gone so smoothly, but it is all THANKS to you guys!! And thank you for lending me "The Big Blue Monster"!! Kathy, you have been a rock for me. How many hours have I spent venting to you? All I got in return was advice, and validation that you will always be there for me and have my back. Thank you for movie nights, sleep overs, rescuing me*, not judging me, letting me go a little crazy sometimes, for loving my children as you do your own and letting me abuse you repeatedly with you fabulous babysitting skills and on and on and on.......Most of all thank you for loving me and understanding me UNCONDITIONALLY. I love you like a sister!

Jamone and Tricia: You guys rock! Jamone, thank you for seeing your Mother in me and knowing, understanding and respecting who I am because of it. Thank you for watching out for Presley. Thank you for showing him the right way to treat his Mama!! Tricia, thank you for being a constant source of encouragement and making me "Get out of my Head". Thank you for listening, really listening. Thank you for reminding me on a daily basis that God has a plan. Thank you for helping me to differentiate between what I can control and what I can not control and what is my issue and what is not my issue. Thank you for pool parties, play dates, laughter, love. Thank you for your strength, thank you for being the person that you are today. When life gets hard I hear your voice say "Girl, it will all work out!" I have so much respect for you and your outlook on life. Thank you for being an inspiration. I love you sista!!

Mom: I believe that it is true that life leads you on paths. Some you choose and some God lays out before you and they unfold. I believe in time lines in life. I am guilty of trying to force things into MY own timeline and it never works. The story of our relationship is a perfect example of Gods timeline. We came together when we needed each other the most, when are lives were falling apart, they were coming together. I am thankful for second, third, forth chances because of this. I am thankful that we don't give up. I am thankful that we have found understanding in each others ways because although we didn't know it, we were going down parallel roads. I want you to know that I am always here for you. Thank you for understanding were I am coming from and knowing where I have been. Thank you for laughing with me again, thank you for mustache parties, thank you for calling because you need to hear my voice, thank you for always being ready to have fun and heal with me! I love you so very much!

My amazing family, far away but always near the heart: Thank you for supporting me, building me up and believing in me. Michael, thank you for your advice on the male species which I still don't quite understand! Thank you for making me laugh and thank you for marrying the amazing Megan and proving that there are still some "happily ever afters" out there! Thank you for visiting over the summer and bringing my Uncle Terry so I could beat him at pool! (ha!) My Indiana Family, thank you for your funny and sometimes inappropriate comments!! You truly know me and know that those are my favorite!!! (no joke!) My Aunt Kitty, thank you for always telling me that I am Beautiful! My Grandparents for your gentle souls and loving words....I love you!

To my "New Old" Friends: Jennifer Jody and Traci, you guys are amazing! Thank you for making every night I spend with you "the Best Night Ever!" Thank you for your beautiful smiles, kind and loving words, thank you for singing and dancing, forehead kisses and just being you! For all the familiar faces,Jonathan, Travis, Steven, Meeko, Ish, Watthead, Jesse, Tony, Tyler,...the list could go on and on! Thank you for being amazing, helping me out of jams (that DO NOT need to be discussed!) keeping a few secrets, #am conversations, surviving my notorious camera abuse, and being a part of so many "Girls Nights"!

To my Mercy Street Friends, you know who you are: Thank you for being a reliable source of love and inspiration in my life. For letting me know that I can always find a place that meets the definition of "Loved you Are". Kelly, thank you for being who you are and loving me and my kiddos through the past 5 years. You are beautiful inside and out and I love you!

To Parish: Thank you for making me a "Boomerang"! Thank you for new friendships (Paula!) and for decade long friendships (Melinda and Tina!) Thank you for familiar happy faces, "Parish" personalities that are unmatched anywhere else. Thank you for giving me hope and something to always look forward to. I love you guys!

To my children: Thank you for being all the reason that I needed. Thank you for your constant validation that I did the right thing. Thank you for dancing in the rain, days at the beach, craw fish farms, every critter that you brought home (including the turtle that has taken residence in the sink), thank you for making me a snake wrangler and thank you for never ever leaving me with an uneventful boring day! Our life in chaos is a beautiful thing. You are all uniquely amazing little people. Thank you for saving my life. I love you with my whole heart unconditionally forever and ever!!



Thank you ALL for showing me what it means to be surrounded by people that genuinely care, love and support me. Thank you for showing me that "You can always go home" and when I was homesick for reminding me that where you are surrounded by love you are never lost, that is where your home is. Thank you for sticking around during the craziest time of our life and loving us through it. I'm looking forward to the next year because of all of you and know that you will be in it!!

Peace and Love,
Amy

Again in two weeks....oh BARF.

They said this would get easier with time. Things would settle down, we would get into a routine. Almost a year later, and the very thought of releasing my kids to their "Dad" sends me into anxiety mode.
I try to stay as busy as possible, otherwise I will obsess with what they are doing, are they safe, are they happy. There are some weekends that no amount of wine, projects or people can take any of the strain off. It hits me in the chest and my heart breaks for them. I am reduced to blubbering whale on couch in sweat pants and chocolate smeared in random places.
I would think that it would help if circumstances were better. A "Co-Parent Relationship" is ideal. But whats that? I don't understand the hostility, anger, bitterness, and resentment that is directed toward me. And to put our children in the middle by making them feel guilty and emotionally responsibly for an adult is beyond my understanding. The pieces I am left to deal with are sometimes unrepairable. Verbal abuse they have been caught in the middle of, lies they have been told about me, "messages" have been sent home to tell me (yeah, I did have money for cigarettes Jose, but you can't spare $20 for spirit shirts? I mean come on I spend $100 on uniforms!), insults to important people in their lives (Nana is not stupid!!). All building in the destruction of their world of love and security.
And then we have to do it all again in two weeks, oh BARF.
As horrible as it sounds I try not to call them when they are away. The majority of the times that I do, two out of the three are crying, there is yelling in the background and I can hear the sadness and tension in their voices. When my 3 year old is crying "I want to come home" and there is NOTHING I can do......Its really hard to not let anger get the best of you. I honestly have gotten in the car to drive up there and had to be talked out of it.
So, I have to do my best when they are here to love them, and let them know that they are loved by such an extensive group of people. To which I am so very thankful for. WE have the BEST FAMILY and FRIENDS that anyone could ask for. I know that my kids know it too. The sacrifices, that they all have made for us, welcoming us into their homes, (or dragging us there when we really needed it and I was too stubborn), coming over for movie nights and glitter (ok it was sprinkles!) in the air, and being there for us to cry and laugh and laugh until we cried, and dance and sing (and lets not forget plank!) I am a lucky, lucky girl!
And yeah, we have to do it again in two weeks but they will always come home to us all!

Puppy Love......

Throughout life there are many milestones. Penelope has experienced several this week. Not only has she began her first year of public school, lost her two front teeth, but she has for her first "true love".
Morning are a bit crazy for us but I have to admit, they go a little smoother than I thought they would...we haven't been late to school yet so that in itself is a success. Afternoons are a little more chaotic. I race on my lunch break, my 30 minute lunch break at 2 15, to pick up Presley and Penelope from what seems to be the never ending car pool line at their school. As soon as they a shoveled into the car I flash a anxious smile with "How was school?" Hoping that it is followed by joyous responses of how great their day was. On this particular day it was memorable for Penelope. As it was for Pres, just not in the same exact way.
"Mommy a boy at school has a crush on me!" Penelope exclaims. "Oh really? How do you know he has a crush on you?" I ask, waiting for the story behind this. Penelope response with "Because he stares at me ALL THE TIME! And by the way his name is Roman. He look just like SAM Mom!! SAM!!"
Sam was Penelope's first major crush. They met approximately a year ago on a camping trip and it was love at first sight, that is, for Penelope. Sam had it all according to Nelly. Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic, funny, and 5 years her senior. She spent all of the camping trip vying for his affection. Poking, teasing, climbing, wrestling all with a smile and moon eyes....we all felt sorry for Sam by the time the weekend was over. Roman, my dear, you have your work cut out for you!
After Nelly's announcement the car was quiet for all if 20 seconds. Just as I glance in the rear view mirror I am met with Presley's unapproving eyes and an outburst of "That's not right!! He cant have a crush on her!! Its just wrong!!" "Why is that wrong Presley?" I asked. "Because she is my SISTER!" I giggle at the typical big brother comment.
"Well, I think Roman is mad a me because I told him that I just didn't care if he has a crush on me! What?? I just don't care!" This is complete honesty from Penelope. Not much gets to her, or shakes her until she has had time to mull it over. I find her later that night drawing a picture (of a dog of course) for Roman that says "I'm sorry" I smile to myself and wonder how this will go over, with both boys...
The next day is a repeat of the same routine. This time when the kids pile in and are asked about their day Penelope proclaims "ROMAN DOES NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON ME ANYMORE!! HE IS MY BOYFRIEND!!" I laugh and Presley goes off on another rant about how unacceptable this is which makes me laugh even more!
If only dating for adults was this easy and uncomplicated.....or maybe it is and we choose to make things confusing..... You like someone, they like you. Hurt their feelings, apologize. Life goes on, the good parts, the ugly parts, no matter what the outside opinions are.....and they always will be there, love the one you got and be happy!

Snake Wrangling been there done that.

In all honesty, I really don't know what I'm doing. I have a tendency to throw things out and see what sticks. I try to pass it off as "Experimental Parenting". I often have that very surreal moment when I realize that these are in fact my children and I alone am responsible for their health, happiness, well being, and that very long future ahead.
I pass off phrases like "Oh, lets test that theory" or "nice hypothesis" or the most frequently used "WE ARE ONLY OBSERVING!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK ITS TAIL OFF NELLY!!" There are way too many lizards walking around here without tails....My sister told me she saw one the other day and immediately though of Penelope....that's Nelly Bean for ya!

It should come to no surprise that with the last 8 months of them catching crawfish, crabs, lizards, frogs, and going fishing,the stakes would be upped a little.
As I am elbow deep in the never ending pile of laundry Penelope burst through the door "MOM!!! I HAVE A REALLY BIG SURPRISE!!! COME OUTSIDE!! COME OUTSIDE!!"
I look down at the massive stack of clothes....if I don't finish this now, I'm never going too. "What is it Nelly?" I ask trying to defer me from actually going outside.
"OK MOM OK!! ITS A SNAKE!!!" she exclaims. "We caught it! We caught it!"
This gets my attention. I am picturing the time Nelly was carrying around the dead snake, ah yes and there was also the time that Pixie held the dead lizard for three hours....and I'm realizing that it is very probable that they have caught a snake and I'm wondering how big it is and what kind as I hurdle past the stack of clothes I just folded, tripping and knocking it over, awesome.
Outside I find a very defensive snake in a cardboard box. Pixie holding her "BAA" under her chin slightly tilts her head "Mom, he sooo chute! He nice too he welly welly nice!"
"He can still bite you ya know!" How did you get him in the box??" This is followed by jumbled ramblings of "NO don't grab him!" "Stop now!" "THAT IS A STRIKING POSITION!" and likewise...
"I caught him Mom! I just got my net and swiped him up. Hes a rat snake, and he will be my pet and I will catch him crickets." Pres declares. He is unstoppable with that net.
Although I am worried that by the end of the day someone will be bitten, I am really proud of them. They worked together and caught what could have potentially been a deadly snake (but it wasn't!)now I am on board.
"OK maybe we should get a different container?"
Nelly races to get what used to be the hamster cage (story for a different day)as she runs off something apparently startles the snake. I goes leaping, up, over the side of the box squiggling around on the deck. "BAA" goes flying into the air and Pixie pounces on the snake on all fours!
"STOP!" I yell. I probably should have just let the little guy slither away but I could not face the disappointment the kids would have felt. So what do I do, a split second decision, I too pounce on top of it swiping it up a tossing it is the cage Nelly has just dropped on the deck making our timing impeccable.
Of course at this point, I have to use my phrase "we are just observing, he will be released at the end of the day". They are used to this now and there are no objections.
Thank God.

Truth is....I'm Divorced

DIVORCED.
Strong Statement? Understatement.
What it means to me is that I am a survivor. I was put through a decade of abuse and came out on top.
Don't get me wrong, I was very good at hiding it, went through it with a smile on my face.
The "good times" were an expectation of what the future could be and not of what the present actually was. Its always easier to look forward to something, even if its the smallest thing, than to know what is your reality.
If someone, and I know many of you will think "I DID!", had told me that life could be this beautiful, happy, peaceful, (really, the list could go on...)and that I could be content with myself, focused, and I could just let go...my God, I would have never stayed. Truth is, the right person did not say that to me. The right person waited a decade to open their mouth. ME.
I do believe in time lines. I do believe that although I hinted to myself, quite frequently, the timing wasn't right until now.
I think I was actually voted most naive in high school. I really did not understand why at the time. Maybe I was naive to what was actually in the world around me, the people around me, the possibilities around me. It seems that it was in some way a prophecy for the last ten years of my life. It is amazing to me the things I didn't know were going on all around me. Lies, Deceit, Infidelity, Alienation......
I exhausted myself by trying to fix, overcome, atone for someone else's shortcomings. In doing so, I lost myself, my family, my friends. I lied to myself habitually, and others even more. I stayed for the last half for a daughter that wasn't mine but I would give my life for. I left, for children that were mine and for a life that we all deserved.
I am no longer living in the shadow of someone elses negativity and lies.
At last I can say I am happy. I don't look back, not for a second glance.
I AM FREE!

SINGLE (check box here)

Starting your life over as single is a strange experience, to say the least. Everything you thought you knew, everything you thought you wanted seems to evaporate. There is nothing left untouched. Lifestyle, livelihood, friends, sense of home, YOUR NAME, you begin to wonder what its all about, what it all is for, and whats the point of it all. As if those questions weren't already swimming around in your head you are hit head on with them, all at once in a cold dark place.
What you have built, worked for, cherished, loved is taken out by a tide of deception in a world that you yourself had a hand in creating. Leaving you with nothing other than bitter truth. Truth that you must relinquish to.
Through my "made for TV mini drama" my children have been my constant. Never allowing me to lose focus on our goal. What life is for us. What is important.
Those mornings that the light meets my eyes with a "please don't be morning" impenetrable shut, those are the mornings where inevitably someone WILL be jumping on my bed yelling "We want cereal! We want cereal!" or the ever so famous "Mommy, I gotta go pee."
When the days seem long, I'm met with a net full of goldfish from Grandpa Deans pond gulping for air. Or the infamous crawfish mid convulsion in a desperate attempt to get away.

There are times of chaos. Presley sleepwalking, the nights when no amount of melatonin will settle the girls down. And those nights when you think "I can't do this all over again tomorrow." and "Will it be like this the rest of our lives?" "How can I do this on my own?!"

There are the small victories that make it all worthwhile. When Presley counts out his money for his Lego set on his own for the cashier, even though we spent 45 MINUTES in the Lego aisle.
Penelope learning to read and spell words. Pixie finally coming out of her shell. And the artwork, the amazing things that they create. Their angelic smiles...their eyes that capture their innocent souls. The kisses and "I lub you Mom"......
Juggling their beauty amidst of the chaos....that's when I know we will be OK. We will be Spectacular!

Theres more than one way to skin a cat....fish.....

My journey through Motherhood continually reveals new perceptions of my children and life in general. If children prove anything to you its that things are not always as they seem, you can not put anything in a box, and there is always more than one way to skin a cat....fish.

My dear son Presley has spent quite a bit of time obsessing about going fishing. If you know Presley, you know that this is an understatement. If you know Presley, you know that obsessing means that "Mommy" is about to lose her mind because he spends QUITE A LOT of time obsessing about random things. So, when we came back from being out of town to find that Grandpa Dean had been fishing with out Presley.....he was not happy.

"It really makes me mad when Grandpa Dean goes fishing with out me!" Mind you, this was the first, and only time Grandpa Dean went without Pres., but it didn't matter, he was stressing about it now.

"Well, my Love, go ask him to take you."

His back straightens, he marches to to door, opens it. "Grandpa Dean?" Slightly swinging on the door "Will you take me fishing?"

"Yeah, we'll go tomorrow!" I hear from inside.

Presley snaps around. Huge grin. Tongue withdrew wiggling back and forth in the gap left behind by his two missing top teeth. This is trademark Presley. This shy sign of his delight.

This was to be a "Mans" fishing trip. One of those male bonding experiences. Soon after they left I received a picture of the first catch, I knew it was going well. A few hours later the truck pulls in. Pres jumps out, wearing a cowboy hat and a huge grin. He races to the back and holds up his catch, 8 huge Catfish.

I see my Dad getting his set up together. Hook in tree, fancy pliers to peel off skin, fillet knife, butcher knife.....and Penelope standing there, eyes wide with intrigue. "Amy, do you want her to see this? You want to call her over?"

"No" I reply, "I want her to watch, I want her to do it" I know, strange response from a Mom, about her five year old daughter, you would think, unless you know Penelope.

My Dad starts to work. Two minutes in Presley comes to me. "Oh Mom! The guts! Guts are just ugh!!!" A look of paleness comes over his face. "Presley, Jesus was a fisherman, don't you think he had to do this?" I ask, hoping to persuade gall. "What if you are going down the river one day and you need to eat a fish to survive? Will you let the fish live and you starve or will you eat the fish?" I try once more.

"They are just so beautiful."

And then, "I'm just gonna make a sandwich" and he does. My beautiful, sensitive, loving boy.

Penelope on the other hand, I find her eagerly taking the freshly filleted fish from my Dad and placing them in the bucket of water.

She is tenacious. Strong willed, determined, always eager to learn. Her curiosity leads her to the next step. She picks up the knife and aims for the head of the fish. She is in no way malicious. She sees the experience in a very "matter of fact" very scientific way. Yet this is the same girl who cried when her pet spider was killed, the same girl who has compassion for all creatures.

She is proud of herself. She takes Pixie, who has been silent observer up until this point, over to show her"her kill" as she put it.

She assist with three more fish and then heads over to the last one. Noticing that it is in need of water she sprays it down with the hose. This rhythm that she has about herself.....

My sensitive boy, my tenacious girl, and my little observer. All living their lives with different approaches. Different philosophies. Different perspectives. They are all the right responses, they are all the right reactions, yet very different. I see every one of them in myself. My sensitivity to nature, my "I can do anything" attitude, and then sometimes its just nice to sit back and take it all in. They live their lives in such balance with each other, not even aware, its such a natural lifestyle for them.

sleepless nights

I am a clinically diagnosed insomniac. Clinically diagnosed in the sense of being 8 months pregnant clawing down the doors of my OBGYN on a rampage for something, even a bat to the head, to knock me out! Insomnia was nothing new to me. My mind was always crackling at night with questions and ideas, thoughts and answers.
Why then, am I so surprised to see the same characteristics in my children? Full of giggles and whispers after they are tucked soundly in their beds.
"Geez, you've had your book, you've had your water (and melatonin too, right?)...go to sleep!" This is almost certainly followed by some parental genius spew of empty threats?
As I lay in bed, it has finally gotten quiet. I flip through a book, or mindless TV to fill the silence. I wait, and hope that someone will come trudging in because they can not sleep either........