They said this would get easier with time. Things would settle down, we would get into a routine. Almost a year later, and the very thought of releasing my kids to their "Dad" sends me into anxiety mode.
I try to stay as busy as possible, otherwise I will obsess with what they are doing, are they safe, are they happy. There are some weekends that no amount of wine, projects or people can take any of the strain off. It hits me in the chest and my heart breaks for them. I am reduced to blubbering whale on couch in sweat pants and chocolate smeared in random places.
I would think that it would help if circumstances were better. A "Co-Parent Relationship" is ideal. But whats that? I don't understand the hostility, anger, bitterness, and resentment that is directed toward me. And to put our children in the middle by making them feel guilty and emotionally responsibly for an adult is beyond my understanding. The pieces I am left to deal with are sometimes unrepairable. Verbal abuse they have been caught in the middle of, lies they have been told about me, "messages" have been sent home to tell me (yeah, I did have money for cigarettes Jose, but you can't spare $20 for spirit shirts? I mean come on I spend $100 on uniforms!), insults to important people in their lives (Nana is not stupid!!). All building in the destruction of their world of love and security.
And then we have to do it all again in two weeks, oh BARF.
As horrible as it sounds I try not to call them when they are away. The majority of the times that I do, two out of the three are crying, there is yelling in the background and I can hear the sadness and tension in their voices. When my 3 year old is crying "I want to come home" and there is NOTHING I can do......Its really hard to not let anger get the best of you. I honestly have gotten in the car to drive up there and had to be talked out of it.
So, I have to do my best when they are here to love them, and let them know that they are loved by such an extensive group of people. To which I am so very thankful for. WE have the BEST FAMILY and FRIENDS that anyone could ask for. I know that my kids know it too. The sacrifices, that they all have made for us, welcoming us into their homes, (or dragging us there when we really needed it and I was too stubborn), coming over for movie nights and glitter (ok it was sprinkles!) in the air, and being there for us to cry and laugh and laugh until we cried, and dance and sing (and lets not forget plank!) I am a lucky, lucky girl!
And yeah, we have to do it again in two weeks but they will always come home to us all!
